September 26, 2010

Dear.Whomever.Pt.2 - Things I've Thought

Dear Whomever,

During the writing of this letter (on the 19th) my sister was playing Josh Groban music. I like his music, and he has good style. But the way his voice seems to come from the depths of his soul is saddening, at least when you’re not in a happy mood. And I wasn’t in a happy mood when I originally wrote this. I was trying not to be grumpy, with lots of different thoughts running through my head.

There is so much going on right now in our lives, nothing is concrete, nothing is “normal”. Our emotions are changing as much and as quickly as everything else is. Everyone is on edge, laughing one minute and angry the next. We’re all in limbo, trying to wait and see what YHVH will do next- and without meddling in it ourselves. FYI, this is not as easy as many people would like to think.

I am excited, as is everyone else, to some degree, and can’t wait to see what’s next; but at the same time, I’m not sure if I want to do that. Moving forward is the only option I have, and I realize that, but that means that I have to start all over again- again. I mean, I know it will be okay, and that YHVH has everything in His hands, that it will all work out in the end; but I’m so unsure of myself. I can see what YHVH is doing in our lives as a family, as a whole, but what is *my* part in all of this? Where do *I* fit in? What specifically is His short-term plan for *me*?

I keep wondering if that is selfish of me. Am I just being a normal person, who doesn’t have a direction, or am I doubting the Father? Do I not have the faith, the guts it takes? The “grown-ups” have always made it seem so wonderful, so easy, so black-and-white. They always seem to have a great relationship with the Father, and know clear as crystal when He talks to them, or has told them what He wants for them.

I have always had a problem with this. Always. It doesn’t matter whether they’re in “the church” or the “messianic whatever-you-call-it.” I have always wondered what I’m missing. Where’s the broken link? Why am I not as sure as they are? Are they even as sure as they make themselves out to be? If I’m not great at relationships with people that I can see, how can I have a good relationship with someone who I have never seen? I can’t even keep pen-pals!

I see things in Scripture, so I know there’s something there- but I have always questioned what. YHVH seems to be so involved in other’s lives, but I don’t easily see Him in mine. Does that mean He’s not that interested in my life? Or, again, what am I doing wrong? These are questions that have always been in the back of my brain. I mean, there are sometimes when I am fine, I think I’m okay with the Father, when I think I might have an answer to these questions. But then there are other times when Bam! They just hit hard again and I can’t think about anything else.

Yom Kippur was on Monday (the 20th). I was in this stage of upheaval when we observed this day. In studying the Scriptures, I kept having questions. What does it mean by “afflict your souls?” If all the priest says is “Father, we(I) have not obeyed/guarded your Commands and have whored after the ways of others,” is that sufficient? I mean, that pretty much covers it all. How do I know if I have sufficiently “afflicted my soul”? I don’t want to be cut-off any more than anyone else. And the big punch- Am I a part of Israel anyway, seeing as I am always so unsure of where I stand?

Some people may be surprised by these thoughts coming from me- or not. Some people seem to assume that because of the way I have been raised, I’m all fine and dandy. I hate being stereotyped or when people assume that I can or can’t, will or won’t do/be prone to do certain things. I hate not having all the answers, and sometimes I hate not having any answers. I hate it that I’m not perfect, and hate it when people criticize me for wanting to work towards that goal. After all, didn’t Yahshua say, “Be perfect, even as your Father in heaven is perfect” (Matt. 5:48)?

Some verses that I have taken on this past week are Isaiah 41:10 and Proverbs 16:2. I have realized that when Proverbs says, “Commit your works to YHVH and your plans shall be established,” it doesn’t mean that YHVH will give us everything we’ve always wanted (the “dear Santa” thing). It means that if we allow YHVH to have our plans, if we ask Him to *direct* our paths, rather than ask Him to bless *our* paths, He will guide us along *His* path and show us what *His* purpose is for us, what *He* wants for us. And if we allow Him to do *His* work in our lives and through us, that *His* plans will become *our* plans (not visa-versa). That thought is somewhat scary for me, to know that if I allow YHVH to have *all* control over my life, then I won’t have *any* control over my life. As I am learning, I don’t particularly like living from moment to moment. Being biblical, it’s definitely *not* the easy road to take. Nor is it easy to try explaining to those who ask. …I just hope that when it comes time to walk the line I’ll pass the test.

To be continued…

1 comment:

  1. Shalom, I have enjoyed this letter/journal. We all question our place in YHVH's plan.
    As for myself, I always marvel that HE chose me even though I feel like I fail HIM on a daily basis. Still He continues to answer my questions and my prayers.
    I cried out to HIM 27 years ago and HE answered that prayer on
    March 29 by bringing my grandson who had been put out for adoption so long ago.
    I think it finally sunk in that HE does hear our hearts cry out to HIM even though sometimes we wait for 27 years for the answer.
    I have always told people that YHVH had promised me I would meet Jeff before I died.
    You keep on being the wonderful young woman you are. I want you to know how very much I love you.
    Mamma

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