September 10, 2016

A Hard Thing to Admit - Suicide Prevention Awareness Day

So apparently the day has come around again this year, to bring awareness to suicide and it's prevention... I honestly don't keep track of dates like that very well. Though I do think they are important. Usually I repost something, or just take note of the day, thankful for someone else's bravery to overcome their shame and speak out. But today I have to be honest. And vulnerable. Which is scary. But I'm going to do it anyway.

I saw a post on a friend's Facebook timeline where she was talking about the reason she had found for living. And I have to admit that I cried. Because I've been there. And did come to that same conclusion, that as hard as it gets there's got to be a purpose that I was made for, which thought I held on to to survive that point in my life. My God has been there for me, even in the darkest corners of my mind, and I know that it is only by His grace and protection that I'm where I'm at today. It's been a long, rough journey, and admittedly not as obviously so as for some others, but I have found the process of healing. Both physically and emotionally. And I've come to the point where I'm able to admit that I'm broken. But that God has used that to give me perspective, and compassion, where I may not have otherwise learned it.

I've so often kept my problems to myself, afraid of the stigma associated with such things, the shame of admitting that I don't have it all together. At all. And for a very long time had no idea what was wrong with me. But at the same time felt like everything was wrong with me. And even though it has been a decade since I seriously considered taking my own life, that decision point still affects me.
I still have to make the daily choice to see the beauty in life, to be thankful for the pieces God is putting back together to make me whole again. To love people, even if I don't agree with them, because we are all made in His image, and need to be shown that through the fruits of the Spirit made manifest in one's life as a believer- not just toward those we like most. To truly love myself, because I am also made in His image, and have a purpose, otherwise I wouldn't be here. To keep going even when I don't feel able to accept the love that I know others have for me. To appreciate the blessings, sometimes disguised, that I have been given. To love God, and seek earnestly after Him, who he really is, instead of the perceptions and dogmas that bias doctrines of who he ought to be. To remember that He values life, as a whole and individually, and that I ought to do the same.

I have to realize that it's okay not to be perfect, by anyone's standards. Because I can't hold up a facade that tries to be perfect, or please the norm anymore. That's an unattainable goal that I have tried too long to reach. And it's okay not to.

And I'll live. Because He lives. And I know who holds my future. And I can trust Him.

1 comment:

  1. Kally, I appreciate the strength it took to write this post. I, too, have been through depression. Although I did not consider suicide, I did know how to do it if I got that bad! I understand how coming to terms with God and His plan for us plays an important part in this healing process as well.

    I am happy you have come through this okay. Thank you for sharing this painful time in your life. ❤️

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